We Care About Your Kid And We Care About You Too: Unconditional Positive Regard for Caregivers and Parents
Photo by Mitchell Luo on Unsplash
What does unconditional positive regard look like with the parents and caregivers of our students?
The philosophy of unconditional positive regard has been transformative for many of us who work with young people. Originally developed by Carl Rogers, unconditional positive regard is a stance we take in relationships that affirms each person’s inherent value and dignity. I’ve defined unconditional positive regard’s message as:
“I care about you. You have value. You don’t have to do anything to prove it to me, and nothing’s going to change my mind.”
It’s not always easy to maintain unconditional positive regard. When kids’ behavior in school feels challenging, when kids harm each other (or you), when kids have been so hurt by adults that their protective behavior is nothing but fortified stone walls—it can be tough to build relationships. I’ve written pretty extensively about the power of committing to unconditional positive regard especially with these students.
Even when teachers are a little skeptical at first, they can usually get on board with the message of unconditional positive regard. I think most of us can look at a child and recognize their inherent goodness and their desire to learn. Most of us can look at a child’s worst behavior and recognize it as a response to stress or trauma, or an attempt to get their needs met, and give that child some grace and understanding. We know that kids are developing, and we recognize the mess that comes with growth.
But it can be much harder to extend this same kind of grace and understanding to the adults in our school community. The divide between teachers and families/caregivers of students is a tale as old as time. Our school system isn’t well-designed to facilitate true relationships between caregivers and teachers, and that rift can too easily become adversarial.
But these partnerships are essential for truly supporting our students, even (especially) when partnership is challenging.
In a trauma-informed school environment, we recognize that kids have a better chance of experiencing safety and healing when the adults in their lives form a connected web of support. And kids don’t benefit when they’re made to feel like their teachers judge or dislike their parents or caregivers. For all these reasons and also the simple one that caregivers are humans who deserve our regard, we owe them the work of approaching them with care.
Here’s how I might tailor my definition of unconditional positive regard for caregivers:
“We care about your kid and we care about you, too. You have value, strengths, and wisdom as their caregiver. You don’t have to prove your worth to us, and we’ll stick with you as partners through tough times.”
Let’s break it down:
We care about your kid and we care about you, too. Caregivers aren’t just extensions of their kids; they are whole human beings. When we take the time to get to know the caregivers, we create the opportunity for the type of authentic relationships that make up a child’s web of support.
You have value, strengths, and wisdom as their caregiver. Teachers, as unwilling as we may be to take on the role, are representatives of the powerful institution of school. Relationships with caregivers can be undermined by this power imbalance, or the long shadow of how this power imbalance has played out over time. By committing to seeing the value, strengths, and wisdom in each caregiver, we help to break down this imbalance. Unconditional positive regard for caregivers means a dedication to recognizing their strengths in all their forms.
You don’t have to prove your worth to us. In education, we should be moving lightyears beyond the assumption that a caregiver’s engagement with school has any correlation at all to their worth as caregivers/parents, to their dedication to their child’s education, or really anything else. Caregivers may have complex relationships with schools as institutions from their personal or collective experiences. Honoring that complexity means recognizing that school involvement is only one small part of how caregivers support their child’s learning. Add on all the barriers to school engagement that families may face (time, transportation, translation services, and more) and the conclusion is clear: families and caregivers should never be written off OR celebrated solely as a result of what is visible to the school. Unconditional positive regard for caregivers means that we sustain our care for the family/caregivers without tying that care to certain types of participation or engagement.
We’ll stick with you as partners through tough times. Ideally, school and caregivers should see ourselves as “on the same team.” When a kid is having a hard time, the web of connected adults pulls together to support that child. That teamwork has to be viewed as a long-haul project that can be resilient to disagreements, conflict, and stress. Unconditional positive regard for caregivers means a dedication to keep showing up and to work through conflict so we can continue our shared responsibility to students.
Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean “anything goes” or that we show up with a smile in the face of conflict and harm. Instead, it means a dedication to remaining in community with one another. It means a refusal to see any person as disposable. Extending unconditional positive regard to caregivers is a way to deepen our practice with students and strengthen our communities.
To read more on unconditional positive regard with students, check out Equity-Centered Trauma-Informed Education. To read more on unconditional positive regard in the face of conflict and harm, check out Becoming an Everyday Changemaker. More on both books here.
Thanks to teacher-caregivers Chanea Bond and Heather Lippert for providing feedback on this piece!
